Every week, Rochelle Wisoff-Fields (thank you, Rochelle!) hosts a flash fiction challenge, to write a complete story, based on a photoprompt, with a beginning, middle and end, in 100 words or less. Post it on your blog, and include the Photoprompt and Inlinkz (the blue frog) on your page. Link your story URL. Then the fun starts as you read other peoples’ stories and comment on them!
PHOTO PROMPT © Sandra Crook
Pan’s pipes
Pan took his pipes from his lips. Nature shuddered. Bees that had bumbled in wildflowers vanished from meadows; birds no longer sang evensong in woodlands; lions were forced by lack of prey to scavenge carrion.
But men.
Men had ignored Pan for decades. They had burned fossil fuels to keep him at bay, to be safe. They worshipped the car; television; money. They had beaten Pan.
In the Arctic, methane seeped from previously frozen tundra, and the ice burned.
In the Antarctic, a billion-tonne iceberg calved from an ice-sheet.
Pan propped his pipes against a fence, sighed, and departed.
Neil Macdonald, a writer whose opinion I value highly, has suggested that the story would be better if it were less declamatory. I think he’s probably right. So here’s a revised version!
I’d be fascinated to know what others think, and whether this second version is an improvement!
Pan’s pipes (version 2)
Pan took his pipes from his lips. Nature shuddered. Bees that had bumbled in wildflowers vanished from meadows, birds no longer sang evensong in woodlands, and lions were forced by lack of prey to scavenge carrion.
Men, though, were different.
Fearing Pan, they had forced him out of their lives, burning fossil fuels ever faster as they rushed about in planes and cars, or numbed themselves with the flickering images of television. They overwhelmed him, until ice burned in the Arctic and billion-tonne icebergs calved from ice-sheets in the Antarctic.
Pan propped his pipes against a fence, sighed, and departed.
Is it wrong of me to think we should be grabbing that methane?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Alice
Thank you for reading and commenting.
There is consideration of grabbing it, but there are practical problems. In any case, we shouldn’t do it because it’s a fossil fuel.
Any use of fossil fuels for energy releases carbon dioxide which adds to the greenhouse effect. We should be researching battery technology to use in harness with renewable energy.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
As a Prius owner, I heartily support the battery.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent! I have solar panels, and I’m amazed at how much they generate.
LikeLike
I loved that ‘ calved from an ice sheet’. Good one, and topical.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Sandra
Thank you for reading, and for your kind comment. As you say, this is topical!
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I liked the idea of this, but it probably needed a longer story to be less declamatory
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Neil
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’ve been aware that several of my stories have been rather declamatory, with staccato sentences and short paragraphs. Now that I know somebody else thinks so, I’d better do something about it! I’ve written a second version, and posted it below the original. I hope it’s better!
Thanks for all the good advice you give me.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I disagree with Neil – I like the first version just fine and sometimes points are made a certain way – brief and succinct –
But both were good
LikeLike
Loved your unusual take on the photo prompt!
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Susan
Thank you for reading and commenting. It was the combination of nature and a row of pipes side by side that pushed my thinking in the direction of Pan.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I guess if we have ruined nature, there’s not much for Pan to be doing. Such a shame, hopefully we can learn before it’s too late.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dear Iain
Thank you for reading and for your thoughtful comment. I hope we learn quickly!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Midsummer night’s nightmare!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Dear Andi
Thank you for reading and commenting. If it were only a nightmare, I would be greatly relieved. But climate change is real, happening now, and will get worse – much worse. Scientists think there is still time to avoid the worst scenarios, but action is needed immediately.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I heard a Crow medicine man stand up and say that Mother Earth’s spirit was going to depart when she went to ask for healing and for us to not get freaked out about it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Josh
Thank you for reading and commenting.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I am not an expert, but I like the exclamatory version better because it has a punch to the gut that the revised version lacks. You had me with ‘Nature shuddered’. The style of the first fits the message imo. Wonderful writing in any case, Penny.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Gabi
Thank you for reading and commenting so thoughtfully. I agree that the original has more punch, and I’m delighted that you like ‘Nature shuddered’. Mind you, I still think Neil is right – I would do well to cultivate a less declamatory style. Perhaps the main thing Version 2 demonstrates is that I am less practised at writing longer sentences and paragraphs (all this flash fiction!). I need to be doing more work on my novel and improving the flow of my writing.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
Dear Penny,
Both stories said so much. Men are different, aren’t they? Particularly ‘civilized’ men. Well done…twice.
Shalom,
Rochelle
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Rochelle
Thank you for reading and commenting so wisely. Civilisation has given us a great deal, but at a considerable cost to the planet. At first we were ignorant of this. Now we’re no longer ignorant, and we need to find the political will to stop the damage, and ultimately to reverse it.
Shalom
Penny
LikeLike
I prefer your original take, Penny. I like the feel of the shorter paragraphs, that staccato pounding. Love the use of “calving,” so very good. Excellent take all around.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Sascha
Thank you for reading and for your kind comments. Thank you too for indicating which version you prefer. I must keep practising more fluid prose until I can achieve the same impact as with declamatory pieces!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
nature can only take so much abuse. woe unto us! when it finally decides it’s time to set things aright.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Plaridel
Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, if we don’t stop trashing the planet we’ll pay a heavy price.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Both beautifully written, Penny. Like others here I love the use of “calving”. I prefer Version 1 and agree that is the version which packs the punch.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Jilly
Thank you for reading and commenting so kindly, especially for comparing the two versions of my story. I rather agree about the punch of the original version, but I do still need to work on a more fluid style as well!
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
A wonderful story Penny, beautifully told! I like the first version, like others have said, it packs a punch. Love the sentences … ‘But men. … They had beaten Pan.’ Great stuff!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Jennifer
Thank you for reading and for your thoughtful comment. I agree that the original version has more punch. I think what I learn from that is that my prose style needs work, so that I can retain the punch without becoming too declamatory!
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I like them both, Penny; however, the second one lacks the power of the Pan in the first which may be your intent. I see him trying though, Pan keeps trying, one day our ears will open and stay open. One day. I am sad he has leaned his Pipes and gone away.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Kelvin
Thank you for reading. What a wonderful comment, too, full of insight – thank you! Now that you point it out, yes, Pan is very present in the original version – even the sentence ‘They had beaten Pan’ is intended ironically.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love your word choice, Penny. It makes your stories so lyrical and full of imagery. I liked the first one, but think I did like the second one better. Good critique, Neil!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Jan
Thank you for reading, and for your appreciative comment. I’m delighted you enjoyed the imagery. Thank you, too, for commenting on the relative merits of the two stories. I’m even more encouraged to work on that aspect of my writing. So I agree – good critique, Neil. And good encouragement, Jan!
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I liked the original version better too Penny, but maybe that was a function of already knowing the ‘story’ when I started reading the second one.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Anurag
Thank you for reading, and for taking the time to compare the two versions. You make a good point about already knowing the story when you read the revised version.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Penny,
I must say I do like both versions for different reasons. The first, for the much-needed punch in packs and the second, for the more lyrical version or gentler version…
Have a fabulous evening!
Dale
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Dale
Thank you for reading, and especially for comparing the two versions of the story. You’re right; they each have strengths and weaknesses. I shall keep practising!
A great evening to you too
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLike
We are the architects of our own destruction, aren’t we? The air’s polluted, land is being polluted and needless to say the oceans are too. There is yet another pollution which has been happening without the knowledge of the majority and that is Space pollution. With the amount of satellites and other space explorations taking place, there is a steady increase in space debris which is orbiting around our planet. At the current rate of development in technology and science, it won’t be long before an impenetrable layer of space junk covers our planet, hastening the greenhouse effect. Sigh! What a beautiful tomorrow to look forward to!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Varad
Thank you for reading and commenting. At least we’ve started to experiment with ways of dealing with space debris, and nowadays satellites are expected to be directed back into the atmosphere when they have finished their mission. So the crisis is delayed, perhaps.
But overall the outlook is bleak – unless we make care of the environment our priority, and then it could be very hopeful.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I to liked the first version, it worked well for me because of the subject matter. Loved the iceberg calving
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Michael
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you liked the subject matter of my story.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great take on the prompt. I loved both stories, and wish Pan would take up the pipe again
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Susan
Thank you for reading and commenting. We will need to work with Pan, I think.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I liked them both!
Maybe if we change our ways, Pan will play again…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Ali
Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, we need to change our ways for Pan to continue playing.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Loved the innovative take on the prompt. It inspired me to try to think out of the box for next prompt.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Shivam
I’m glad you enjoyed the take on the prompt. I’m always delighted at the range of stories I read on FF. I’m sure if you try thinking out of the box, you’ll succeed and write a great story!
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like both the versions ! 👍👍 great writing !
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Narasimhan
Thank you for reading and commenting so kindly. I’m glad you liked both versions.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
A wonderful take on the prompt. I loved both the versions. Having talked about pollution, our mind is still polluted. We have to seriously clean that. this is completely out of the level thinking. well done..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Deepa
Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, it’s changing the way we think about the earth, use of resources, avoidance of waste, that is so important, and will give us a chance of saving our planet. Stories are a very good way of telling people about that, aren’t they?
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
A good response to the prompt, lets give Pan more work … 😇😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Ellen
Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, let’s work with Pan!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
😊 I’d love to see you curled in a chair reading over here sometime.
LikeLike
I am not a native speaker and definitely not the best judge of the language (still learning 🙂 and hopefully improving too). But, I liked the first story better.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Piyali
Thank you for reading and commenting, and for indicating that you prefer the first story. Although you are not a native English speaker, your stories are fluent and use a wide vocabulary. You’ll definitely become even better with practice!
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the encouragement, Penny. I do wish to learn and improve and I am glad to have joined the Friday Fictioneers. It’s an excellent way to hone my writing. Apologies for the delayed response. I am on a vacation.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like both versions, for the same reasons as Dale – the punchier sentences do have greater impact, forcing us to look at what we are doing. ‘Calved’ in this context is a wonderful verb to use.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Sarah
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you like the impact of the punchy sentences.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I love this idea. You’ve conveyed it well in both stories and although I enjoy much if the verbiage in the first I prefer the second one. It seems more polished to me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Dawn
Thank you for reading and commenting, and especially for letting me know you prefer the second version.
I’m glad you like the idea. The pipes made me think of Pan, and, as he’s a nature god the story came easily!
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
A topical take. Liked both the versions.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Yarnspinnerr
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you liked both versions.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope we learn quickly too –
LikeLiked by 1 person
I liked the declamatory tone of the first version. Things are getting worse, we should be declamatory. Sorry for getting declamatory on your page. Great take on the prompt Penny. I can see where the reference to the pipes comes from.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Jolly
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you liked the style of the original version. Please feel free to be as declamatory as you like about this matter on my page. As you say, things are getting worse and time is short.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I liked the second version better. It’s more detailed and gives a clearer more relatable picture. “numbing themselves with television.” This is all too true.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Fatima
Thank you for reading and commenting so thoughtfully. It’s helpful to know you feel that the second version is more detailed and gives a clearer more relatable picture. You’ve given me a useful insight – thank you!
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I still have hope… I’m sure nature will be OK… it will be worse for humans though. So Pan will return once we are gone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Bjorn
Thank you for reading and commenting. I agree that Pan will return after humanity has gone, with one proviso; that we don’t end the world with a nuclear holocaust. That might well sterilise the planet – and who knows whether life would start over?
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
Great & topical.
LikeLike