Every week, Rochelle Wisoff-Fields (thank you, Rochelle!) hosts a flash fiction challenge, to write a complete story, based on a photoprompt, with a beginning, middle and end, in 100 words or less. Post it on your blog, and include the Photoprompt and Inlinkz (the blue frog) on your page. Link your story URL. Then the fun starts as you read other peoples’ stories and comment on them!
Last week I was very busy, and I’m afraid I didn’t manage to read all the stories. If I missed yours, I’m sorry – I shall try to do better this week!
PHOTO PROMPT © Yarnspinnerr
City Life
Makshirani disembarked from the train. Crowds jostled. The city was very different from home. What would her new life be like?
A young man approached.
“Namaste! I’m Dayasara. Aunt Abhilasha sent me to collect you.”
“Namaste.” Makshirani made the gesture of pranamasana.
“Come. I have a moped.”
Makshirani clung on as Dayasara zigzagged between the heavy traffic. The streets grew narrower, stinking and full of flies.
Dayasara stopped by a dilapidated colonial residence.
“You’re sharing with four girls; I’ll introduce you. Can we meet when you’ve settled in?”
Makshirani looked down modestly.
“Only if Aunt says I may,” she murmured.
A shock to the system to be in the big city. Hope she adapts quickly!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Iain
Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, it was a very difficult change for her.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Penny,
I sense a bigger story between the lines. I could feel her apprehension from the back of the moped. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Rochelle
Thank you for reading and commenting. You’re very perspicacious; there is a bigger story there. I hope I’ll manage to write it some day, as it’s a story that cries out for the telling. And you guessed about the moped! In the original version of the story, she wept as she rode – but I didn’t have enough words!
Shalom
Penny
LikeLiked by 2 people
So much left unsaid here – but I think she’s more excited than she’s letting on to Dayasara. I hope it works out for her.
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Susan
Thank you for reading and commenting. As you say, so much left unsaid…sometimes I really hate that 100 word limit! I think this is a situation I must try to work up into a much larger scale piece.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
There’s a bigger story here! Well done
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Josh
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m sure you’re right. I really must sit down and write it. I’ll try and post it next Monday.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
You made wonderful use of the white space
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Neil
Thank you for reading and commenting. I hope to be filling some of the gaps with a longer story on Monday!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
Coming of age.. very nice
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Goroyboy,
Thank you for reading and commenting. Makshirani is certainly going to have to mature very quickly in her new life. I’m glad you liked the story.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
uhh, poor girl…arrived in nowhere to meet perhaps someone, someday….without knowing anything! a really good starting of this story!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear anie
Thank you for reading and commenting. You’re right; at the moment her future looks very frightening. We’ll have to hope that her aunt gives her plenty of support. I’m intending to post a longer version next Monday.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Penny, O am looking forward …
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m with everyone! We feel a bigger story and there is so much left unsaid. Makes our mind go in so many directions. Love this, Penny.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Dale
Thank you for reading, and for your encouraging comments. I’m planning to write a longer version, which will flesh out the bare bones of the story and extend it a little – should be posted next Monday! And thank you, Dale; your support really encourages me!
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ll have to keep a lookout then!
WE support each other (some of us more than others 😉 )
LikeLiked by 1 person
Penny you HAVE to tell us the larger story. Please please please 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Anurag
What a lovely comment! Nothing makes me more cheerful than knowing that people want to read more of my stories! There will be more next Monday, all being well.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent portrayal of Makshirani’s first day in a big city in India. I loved how you flew from Europe to Asia in your imagination and captured the cultural intricacies so perfectly.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Moon
Thank you for such a flattering comment. I felt rather shy about tackling a story that relied so heavily on the Indian context, so your approval means a lot. I’m intending to write a fuller version of this story, extending a little further into the future, and post it next Monday.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
There’s a kind of excitement mingled with dread in this piece. I hope you manage to expand it further.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Sandra
Thank you for reading and commenting. ‘Excitement mingled with dread’ is a very good summary of Makshirani’s state of mind as she faces her new life.
Thank you for your encouragement to me to expand the piece. I’m certainly going to have a go. The trouble is, I think it’s a novel, and I’m far from certain that I’m the one who can write it! Even with the minimal research I’ve been doing over the last few months I can see that the interaction of traditional family bonds with Indian urban poverty offers an enormous field of possibilities for the writer. But it would surely be best explored by an Indian?
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I suppose it depends just how much time you’re willing to put into researching this. Facts are relatively simple to absorb. Culture? I’m not so sure.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Sandra. Those are very much my feelings.
LikeLike
I think Sandra captured it well with excitement mingled with dread. I was born and raised on a farm in the country. The first time I spent the night in a city, I couldn’t sleep for all the noise. On my first solo trip to a BIG city (around age 30) I looked forward to it with both anticipation and fear. You conveyed those emotions well in only 100 words.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Russell
Thank you for reading and commenting so thoughtfully. Feedback from your personal experience of a situation resembling that in my story is very helpful.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I’m wondering about an aunt who sends a young man alone to pick up a young girl—-but the girl has to get her aunt’s permission to see him again? Seems contradictory, but maybe I’m overthinking it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Linda
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you asked the question about permission.
The story is set in India. I’ve tried to assimilate a little of their culture, but there’s no way I have anything more than a superficial understanding. Here’s what’s going on.
Makshirani is a country girl. She is going to the big city in the hope of escaping the grinding poverty of subsistence agriculture. Family is everything, so her father has arranged that her aunt will take care of her in the city. The aunt will have the same authority and responsibility towards Makshirani as her parents would. That includes making sure she remains a virgin until she is married.
Aunt Abhilasha sends her son, Dayasara, to fetch her from the station – which is much safer than Makshirani making her own way to the house on foot (she certainly can’t afford a taxi). Dayasara has quite possibly been told ‘No monkey business’ – in any case, he will certainly understand this.
However, things are more relaxed in the city; Dayasara finds his cousin attractive and would like to date her, so he hints at this. But the only thing on Makshirani’s mind is pleasing her aunt, because her aunt’s goodwill will determine her entire future, so she answers modestly.
I hope this is interesting!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really appreciate your taking the time to fill in the blanks for me. Knowing very little myself about India, I do know that they are very careful to protect the virginity of a young girl. Makes sense now:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m intrigued. She goes from clinging to him on the back of the bike, to her remembered chasteness when they part. There’s a much larger tale in there!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Karen
Thank you for reading and commenting. I think Makshirani was clinging on because she was scared stiff on the moped! But perhaps I should have added a cultural note at the top of the story.
The story is set in India. I’ve tried to assimilate a little of their culture, but there’s no way I have anything more than a superficial understanding. Here’s what’s going on.
Makshirani is a country girl. She is going to the big city in the hope of escaping the grinding poverty of subsistence agriculture. Family is everything, so her father has arranged that her aunt will take care of her in the city. The aunt will have the same authority and responsibility towards Makshirani as her parents would. That includes making sure she remains a virgin until she is married.
Aunt Abhilasha sends her son, Dayasara, to fetch her from the station – which is much safer than Makshirani making her own way to the house on foot (she certainly can’t afford a taxi). Dayasara has quite possibly been told ‘No monkey business’ – in any case, he will certainly understand this.
However, things are more relaxed in the city; Dayasara finds his cousin attractive and would like to date her, so he hints at this. But the only thing on Makshirani’s mind is pleasing her aunt, because her aunt’s goodwill will determine her entire future, so she answers modestly.
I hope this is interesting!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I did indeed pick up on the cultural aspect. For that reason, I couldn’t help but think the ride on the back of his bike would have been especially exciting! This sounds like you have a novel in the making. Love how you’ve woven this tale.
LikeLike
There’so much going on in your story. I feel trepidation, a hint of subdued excitement, obedience and possibly a bit of rebellion in the future. I not only saw things on the moped ride but felt heat due to the mention of flies.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Alicia
Thank you for reading and for your lovely comments. I’m sure you’re right – there’s heaps of potential in the set-up that the photoprompt suggested to me. I’m going to write an expanded and extended version for posting next Monday, just in case you’re interested.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
he seemed to be a nice guy. after all, her aunt asked him to pick her up. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Plaridel
Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, Dayasara is a nice guy.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
Big cities can be very scary. Especially for closeted youngsters
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Laurie
Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, big cities can be scary whatever age you are unless you know your way around!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is a story which is very easy to relate to and you find yourself rooting for her as she embarks on her new life. Leaves you wanting to know more too to see how it all works out for her.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Lisa
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you sympathised with Makshirani. I plan to post a fuller version of this story next Monday. That will tell you some more of how it works out for her!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Looking forward to it. 🙂
LikeLike
This looks like major culture shock. And she appears to be under her Aunt’s thumb as well. I hope she gets on okay!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Ali
Thank you for reading and commenting. It’s an enormous change for Makshirani. Her aunt is both controller and protector. I think Makshirani will value the protection more than chafe under her aunt’s control – at least for a short while!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
There are so many ways this could go. I hope she blossoms in her new life.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Clare
Thank you for reading and commenting. As you say, this scenario is full of potential. I’m busy working on it, trying to see how I can best use it. I intend to post a longer short story based on this on Monday, but the material is starting to look intimidatingly like a novel!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
Lovely story Penny, I’ll echo the others and clamour for a longer version.
My only quibble is with the description of namaste as “gesture of pranamasana”. Technically you are not wrong and while pranamasana or Añjali Mudrā are yogic gestures, namaste is a standard greeting in India which literally means “I bow to you”. Or put it simply it our way of saying “hello” 🙂
“Makshirani made the gesture of pranamasana” could be “Makshirani bowed forward with her palms together”
I hope that makes sense.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Subroto
Thank you for reading and for your helpful comment. I had been wondering how best to describe the gesture made by Makshirani, and you’ve given me a very simple way to do it – thank you so much! I shall be posting a longer version of the story next Monday. Naturally I would be very pleased if you were to comment on any errors if you read it.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
Everything foreign is jumping at her as soon as she leaves that train. You perfectly describe the culture shock. Dayasara’s question could add to that strain, but somehow it gives a peaceful and hopeful ending. Despite the strangeness it gives a feeling of acceptance… if Aunt agrees and Dayasara is a good guy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Gabi
Thank you for reading and for your lovely comment. You have taken from the story exactly the emotions I was hoping to convey – the strangeness, the apprehension and the hopeful ending.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
An engaging story, with a sense of beginnings, and venturing into the unknown. Left me wanting more story. Well done.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Francine
Thank you for reading, and for your kind comment. I’m glad you felt the sense of beginnings, as that was very much my starting point for the story. I plan to post a fuller version of the story next Monday.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
Wonderful description and we could feel, with the girl, just how different it was in the city – scary, exhilarating. Interesting that she happily went with the boy on his moped (in the belief the aunt had sent him to get her) and yet would need her aunt’s permission to see him again.Perhaps she needs a chaperone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Irene
Thank you for reading and commenting. Makshirani’s aunt is her guardian while she is in the city. In other words, Makshirani’s whole future depends upon her aunt’s opinion and good will. That’s why she is so concerned to make sure she does what her aunt wants. As regards a chaperone, you’re right. I expect her aunt will arrange that Makshirani is always with other female members of the family.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
A lot to read between the lines. Very well narrated.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Yarnspinnerr
Thank you for reading and for your encouraging comment.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was a little frightened for her.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Dawn
Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, there are many hazards for a young girl coming to a big city. Her aunt will take good care of her, I hope!
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really enjoyed where you went with this, the innocent country girl arriving in the city and the pictures you painted. I could see this playing out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Sarah Ann
Thank you for reading, and for your appreciative comment. I’m glad you felt you could see this playing out.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLike
I love it, always have an excuse, blame Aunty. A nice story is such few words.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear James
Thank you for reading and commenting.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree with other commenters about the mixture of excitement and dread in this piece. You have piqued my curiosity, and I look forward to reading the longer story!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Magarisa
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad the story piqued your curiosity. I have posted a 2000 word story showing how Makshirani came to leave her village. I hope sometime soon to give a fuller account of her train journey, and settling in to her new home. There’s so much potential in the material that I’m rather excited myself! And, like Makshirani I feel some dread mixed with the excitement, because I may find that I can’t do justice to the story.
With best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
I do hope someone takes her under their wing – I feel she needs it, poor thing. A sad tale of feeling overwhelmed and lost and it comes through clearly Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Lynn
Thank you for reading and commenting. Makshirani’s aunt will look after her conscientiously I feel sure, and has promised to fix her up with a job. Makshirani is a resourceful girl and will pull through! I posted a longer version today, which shows much more of Makshirani’s character.
With very best wishes
Penny
LikeLiked by 1 person
You put across the scariness well – the big city is an intimidating place when you’re used to it
LikeLike
A very intriguing snapshot would love to know more! And I loved the names you have used 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Dahlia
Thank you for reading and for your kind comments. The comment about the names put a great big smile on my face! I have posted a 2000 word story which tells how Makshirani came to leave her village, and you can find it here
I would love to have your opinion on it. I’m terribly aware of my impudence in writing stories about India and Indian culture when I know so little about it, but the situation seems so rich in potential!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow that’s really cool Penny! I am currently traveling and will read at leisure once I am back home 🙂
LikeLike
Penny, you’ve done so much with the 100 words: smell, emotion, place. This feels like a realistic slice of life.
LikeLike