“What Pegman saw” is a weekly challenge based on Google Streetview. Using the location provided, you must write a piece of flash fiction of no more than 150 words. You can read the rules here. You can find today’s location on this page, from where you can also get the Inlinkz code. This week’s prompt is Treasure Cay, Abaco, Bahamas. I struggled with this…
Behind the scenes
Clive wake me ‘bout 5 o’clock wi’ coffee, before he go to work. He a good husband.
I get ever’ting ready in the main room, den I wake Momma, take care a her needs and wheel her through.
“You be good, Momma,” I say.
I c’llect my cleanin’ kit from the office, an’ ask Queenie whether I can miss this Sat’day for a frien’s weddin’.
“You cleanin’ Miz Mitchell’s place two o’clock Sat’day. Ask her.”
I hurry through cleanin’ the em’ty condos so’s I get to Miz Mitchell’s before she go out.
“Let me see. That’s the Rawson gal getting married, yeah?”
I nod.
“I’m afraid I need you here. We’re having a dinner party, and the place must be spotless.”
Nothin’ I can say; I can’t go.
Midday. Momma need care, and dinner.
The house is quiet. Momma’s still.
“Momma?”
I touch her. She col’.
“Oh, Momma, no!”
Oh no. Such a song of emotion with a wail at the end. Beautiful storytelling.
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Dear Karen
Thank you so much for the comment. The wail at the end was exactly what I wanted to convey; I’m delighted that it came across strongly.
With very best wishes
Penny
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uhh, did not understand, what mean “She col’”…she is dead?
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col meaning cold, so yes, dead…
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Dear anie
Thank you for reading. As Dale explains, col’ is cold, in the voice I’ve chosen to use. So, yes, her momma is dead.
With best wishes
Penny
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The voice in this sings. And my heart breaks for this poor woman! So much to do, so few wants, counterbalanced by disappointement and then her momma dies. Thank goodness for Clive. In my opinion, this is one of your best, Penny! Plus the title is spot-on. Kudos!
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Dear Alicia
Thank you for reading, and for your lovely comments. I’m so glad you liked the voice. I very seldom risk trying to write in dialect or heavy accent, and I had grave reservations this time – to the extent that I wrote a version with accent, and a version without, which showed me that without the accent the story didn’t work at all.
Your comments have given me a real lift – thank you!
With very best wishes
Penny
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My pleasure
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Writing in the right accent makes it even more realistic.
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Dear Larry
Thank you for reading and commenting. I agree with you (I tried a version without the accent and it didn’t work at all).
With best wishes
Penny
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I can well imagine that … unfortunately, as a foreigner I can not recognize foreign accents and not really understand …; )
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Oh yes a distinctive accent most certainly be hard to handle for someone who’s not so familiar with it.
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not only this, online translation does not work either….; )
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The online translations are notoriously bad
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That’s a sad story indeed.
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Dear Josh
Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, it’s sad.
Mind you, I wonder who has, overall, the happier life; the main character or Miz Mitchell? I’d lay money that the main character would win hands down, because her life is led by love.
With best wishes
Penny
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Dear Penny,
The voice adds to the story. A lot packed into 150 words with the heartfelt wail at the end. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Dear Rochelle
Thank you for reading and commenting. Thank you especially for confirming that the voice adds to the story; I felt really doubtful about whether I would be sufficiently close to the accent.
Shalom
Penny
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Amazing job here, Penny! The voice, the life situation, the reality of her life, the sadness…
So much done in 150 words.
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Dear Dale
Thank you for reading and commenting. I really struggled with the prompt. I’m probably odd, but I would be very unlikely to vacation on a tropical island – just not my scene.
So I went for a walk, and then I remembered that of course there are many staff who take care of the vacationers. Aha! Being local, they’re the people with families, and long-term relationships – and therefore plenty of scope for drama. Problem solved!
With very best wishes
Penny
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Well, frankly, more than well done!
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I was wondering if the Rawsom wedding was anything to do with K and j hardy….
and the ending – ugh – gut jab.
very culture rich piece….
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Dear Yvette
Thank you for reading and commenting. Using the name ‘Rawson’ for the girl getting married was just a bit of fun! I’m glad you thought the story was culture rich.
With best wishes
Penny
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🙂
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Wonderful storytelling of real life in so few words.
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Dear Brenda
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you felt the story was true to life.
With best wishes
Penny
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My turn to say Wow! What lovely language, Penny, it has a singsong quality that made me want to read again and again (which I did). Each time, the lamenting ending was just as powerful. Wonderful writing, really wonderful.
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Dear Kelvin
And it’s my turn to blush! I’m delighted that the language drew you in, and that the lament at the end remained powerful even on repeated reading.
Thank you for reading, and for such lovely comments!
With best wishes
Penny
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Nice voice! Such a sad ending.
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Dear Ali
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad you liked the voice.
With best wishes
Penny
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Your poor narrator, giving so much and to lose her mother at the end … Heartbreaking Penny, but you told it so well. The voice really worked because it was so matter of fact – she accepts that’s the way things are and that’s that. Really strong story telling
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Dear Lynn
Thank you for reading and commenting. It was only as I read your comment that I realised that the MC is partly based on my Nannan. She was Welsh, matter-of-fact, tough as they come – and very loving. I imagined my MC as drawing her strength from the love she felt for those around her. She will grieve deeply for her Momma, but she’ll always be at heart a happy woman.
With best wishes
Penny
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Lovely, Penny, just lovely. Sounds like my own Nan – a London-Irish girl, tough enough to have been in service, worked rolling barrels in a brewery, survived a drunken husband and still adored us and we her. Showed her love through her cooking, bless her. Lovely memories Penny
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Lovely indeed, Lynn! Your Nan sounds great!
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Well, she was a brilliant Nan, though I’m not sure what she was like as a mother-in-law! I’ll always think of her fondly
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Poor woman! I bet the Rawsons are going to be less than thrilled with Ms. Mitchell, once word gets around.
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Dear Righteousbruin
Thank you for reading and commenting. There’s no love lost between the Rawsons and the Mitchells!
With best wishes
Penny
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You tell the story with such compassion, and understatement. I felt the daughter’s anguish though she says nothing to her employer, and then the tragic outcome for Momma.
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Dear Francine
Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad the story moved you.
With very best wishes
Penny
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